Take it All
by TwilightofCraigslistContest
Summary: YARD SALE! SLEAZY EX-BF'S THINGS MUST GO, EVEN ME! – He cheated; his loss, your gain!  - Seattle -


Contest: **Twilight of Craigslist AD Contest (Part I)**

Title: **Take it All  
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Rating: **M**

Disclaimer:** I do not own anything related to Twilight except for the plot of this ad.  
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Word Count (minus A/N and header): **697**

**Don't forget to read the other entries! www. fanfiction. net/u/ 3211840/ Also, follow us on twitter! twiCraigslist**

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><p><strong>YARD SALE! SLEAZY EX-BF'S THINGS MUST GO, EVEN ME! – He cheated; his loss, your gain! (Seattle)<strong>  
>Date: 2011-10-20, 9:37AM PST<br>Reply to: OnePissedOffGirl (at) craigslist (dot) org

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><p>Title pretty much says it all. Downtown Seattle, Queen Anne District, corner of Harrison and 3rd, from now to whenever everything's gone. Let me explain:<p>

I've been dating this guy for a year, pretty serious as we have been living together for most of that time. We were supposed to go on a special cruise to celebrate our anniversary and I thought that maybe, just maybe, he was going to propose. You know, him kneeling on the deck in front of me at sunset as we float off towards our Happily Ever After. Very romantic, my imagination is, so you can imagine my surprise when I came home early from work yesterday to find him in our bed fucking our travel agent seven ways to Sunday. Seriously, her knees were behind her head for Christ's sake! He didn't stop giving it to her once he saw me in the doorway, though. No, the bastard just kept pumping away like it was the most natural thing for him to do.

I was speechless, completely and utterly devoid of thought, while she screamed out his name in ecstasy. She had a nasally voice that kind of made me want to give her some Dimetapp to get rid of her congestion issues, but, I digress.

There he is, boffing the blonde on our 120 count cotton sheets without a care in the world, when I finally snap out of it. I tell him to get the fuck off of her, she needs to get the hell out of our apartment and that he has some serious explaining to do. His response? "You know what, babe? I'm almost done and then I'll come take care of your needs in a minute, you know the Mikester's got some sick ass recovery time."

My jaw was on the floor in seconds. He saw it, smirked, and added, "Ohh, sugar, don't be doin' that, makes me want to put my dick in there and have you suck on it."

Needless to say I was out of there quicker than one of your Great Aunt Sally's hot flashes in the middle of church.

I left, drank heavily, and relied on my friends while he texted me once to tell me that he was still going on our vacation and that he'd see me on the boat the next morning.

Yeah, the ship left dock five minutes ago and you can bet your sweet ass that I was nowhere near the port when 9:30 rolled around this morning.

So, while he's gone on a two week cruise to Panama Canal, you'll have the fuckawesome pleasure of sorting through all of his shit at the low, low price of probably free! There are only a few things I'll take money for, namely his prized collection of clogging shoes, but his Xbox, drums, Wii and everything else are FREE! Did I mention that he's got the new iPhone 4S, too? He didn't want to risk it going overboard so he decided to leave it in the safety of our apartment while we were away, concerned guy he is.

And, if you're over 21, come enjoy an ice cold beer and some grade-A food with me and my friends, courtesy of my ex. Stupid fucker shouldn't have left his platinum card behind for safe keeping while I'm still an authorized user on his account. *wiggles eyebrows* Yeah, I totally just did that on Craigslist, you know your jealous.

My friends say that I should also tell you that I'm officially back on the market. They plan on getting me drunk and whenever that happens, I get incredibly flirty. So any single guys out there, who like 23yo brunette girls with brown eyes, hit me up. Act fast otherwise I may be taken again; I am a one man girl, after all. Oh, and we are definitely NOT going on a vacation anytime soon, jsyfk.

I am including a picture of the clogs because I'm serious as all hell about those bad boys. They're the only thing I'll take money for:

h t t p : / / imgur (dot) com / PBkGW

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**Public voting begins Oct 25 and runs through Nov 6. Don't forget to check back to the contest profile page on Oct 25 to place your vote!  
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